Dear Meghan: My 8-year-old son is a great kid. I have been coaching his sports team for the last two seasons and really enjoy it, and I love spending time with him. We have one huge issue, though.

He turns into a class clown and is disrespectful to me during practices. I spoke to him about it before practices started this season, but the first practice was frustrating. If someone else was coaching, he wouldn’t be acting this way — not listening, interrupting, trying to constantly be funny for his friends and sometimes doing drills incorrectly or purposefully slow. His behavior isn’t completely out of character, but it’s about two weeks worth of obnoxious behaviors concentrated into one hour.

After practice, I told him that his behavior upset me and was making coaching not fun for me. He seemed to take our conversation to heart, but I’m not really confident that anything will change. I know he isn’t intentionally trying to upset me, but I’m not sure what type of strategy to use to shut it down.

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Coach: Thank you for writing in; you are not alone in having a coaching experience go south. There is a reason parents drop out of coaching their children’s teams: It stops being fun! I know you want a strategy to shut it down, but I also want to zoom out so you can understand your son’s behavior.

It can feel pretty embarrassing when an 8-year-old is rude to you in front of their friends, especially when you are supposed to be in charge of the kids. Kudos to you for realizing that he isn’t trying to intentionally upset you. Your son doesn’t want to be rude to you (at least not yet). As child psychologist Ross Greene says, “kids do well if they can,” and this mantra will help you as you move forward. Greene’s approach to parenting assumes the best intentions of the child, uses collaboration (rather than control) and considers the needs of both the child and the parent.

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To help with the immediate rudeness, I suggest using Greene’s Collaborative and Proactive Solution model. Using Greene’s book or worksheets, call a meeting with your son and say: “I have noticed that there’s some difficulty staying serious, remaining quiet and following instructions during practice. What’s up with this?” You’ve already spoken to him about this, so he may be defensive or silent, but patiently wait for him to talk. He may, in all truth, not know why he is being disruptive, so you can make some guesses: “Do you like making your friends laugh? Are you bored?” Stay curious rather than judgmental, and you may learn some interesting information. Use the worksheets to fully understand your son’s point of view.

After you learn about your son’s perspective, it is your turn to state your needs. “My concern is that when you interrupt or joke around, it distracts from the practice, getting work done, and it doesn’t help the other players learn the sport. Do you understand my concerns?” Give your son some time to think about it, and then move on to problem-solving. “I wonder if there is a way to (insert son’s concerns) and have me coach with less disruption?” Wait and see what he offers; you may be surprised by what your son says. You say he is a great kid, and I am guessing he can come up with some creative solutions to your issues.

As you work with your son to improve his behaviors, it is crucial to understand him developmentally. Eight-year-olds are at an interesting time in their lives; they are no longer “little,” and they can show significant growth intellectually, physically and emotionally. While this greater mastery over their emotions and bodies is happening, they can still be easily frustrated and emotional, thus needing their family for comfort and safety.

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For your son (and most 8-year-olds) friendships are becoming important … and complicated. Jostling for power is typical, and acting clownish, rude or drawing attention to himself is one way your son may be trying to make friends. Because the coach is his parent, the stakes are both lower and higher. Lower because it isn’t a random person he needs to be “good” for, and higher because being “rude” to his parent gains him some clout with the other kids. Essentially, he is pulled in two directions with his attachments, and you are on the losing end of it. No one has done anything wrong, and this isn’t a failure of good parenting or your son’s manners; he is just changing.

Find a way to get through the season (bringing in another coach is another way to minimize the shenanigans), and then reassess if the time is up for the coaching (hint: It probably is). And no matter what, do not let this team come between you and your son. That’s definitely not why you started coaching, nor is it good for your son or the sport! Try to keep everything fun and lighthearted. Good luck.

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