Comedians, former teammates, rivals and a Kardashian took their best shots at Tom Brady on Sunday night in Netflix’s “The Roast of Tom Brady,” spewing f-bombs and zingers over more than three hours at Kia Forum in Inglewood, Calif.
In the end, Brady proved to be “unroastable,” as he had promised during a promo for the show, but it wasn’t for a lack of trying by, among others, host Kevin Hart, Nikki Glaser, Kim Kardashian for some reason, Ben Affleck for obvious reasons, former coach Bill Belichick and former teammates Rob Gronkowski, Julian Edelman and Randy Moss. Brady’s long NFL career offered a rich tableau of roastable nuggets — his divorce from Gisele Bündchen (and her jujitsu instructor), Spygate, Deflategate, his TB12 diet and his relationship with his friend/“body coach” Alex Guerrero (“the snake oil salesman that turned Tom into a complete weirdo,” as Edelman put it).
Brady’s journey from 199th draft pick to Sunday’s roast began when he replaced injured New England Patriots quarterback Drew Bledsoe in 2001, so it seemed appropriate to let Bledsoe take the first shots. “A lot of people assume I have a lot of animosity toward Tom Brady,” he said, “so I’m here tonight in front of millions of people to tell you — they’re correct.”
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Here’s a rundown of some of the best lines (minus most of the profanity):
Moss, who never won a ring with Brady: “I’ll tell you what you deflated: my legacy. I want my ring. … Drew Bledsoe was in the freakin’ hospital, and he has a Super Bowl ring. Nate Ebner — who the f--- is Nate Ebner? He has three Super Bowl rings.”
Gronkowski on Brady and Belichick, noting that both hate fun: “You both live and breathe football. Neither of you are married anymore. You’re both even divorced from football — and both of you take full credit for the dynasty.”
Belichick: “Really, Tom, why are all these people so hard on you? Do you miss me?”
Patriots owner Robert Kraft spoke of Brady’s interest in becoming part owner of the Las Vegas Raiders and his reported feelings about a former teammate: “Tom, good luck buying the Raiders. They did your favorite thing for you already — they got rid of Jimmy Garoppolo.”
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Peyton Manning, calling Brady a three-time Super Bowl loser: “My [golf] handicap is 6.4, while Tom’s handicap is blowing leads in the Super Bowl to my brother Eli.”
Eli Manning chimed in Monday morning on social media: “I thought about attending the Roast of Tom Brady last night, but I did not want to roast him for a 3rd time!!”
Kraft: “Vladimir Putin, if you’re watching, give me my f---ing [Super Bowl XXXIX] ring back.”
As roasts do, this one turned into a free-for-all in which no one escaped unscathed, although Brady seemed to tell comedian Jeff Ross to back off the massage jokes concerning Kraft. But if you thought perhaps there would be no cracks about the late Aaron Hernandez and murder or CTE, you were sadly mistaken. And you probably didn’t foresee the night’s star turn by a smiling, laughing, relaxed … Belichick, who seemed to enjoy taunts about his inability to find a coaching job since parting with New England in January.
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“Remember when you used to yell at us, ‘Look, a------, the f---ing kids down at Foxborough High can make that f---ing play!’ ” Edelman recalled. “Well … Foxborough High is the only job offer you have! … Do your job? More like need a job, Coach.”
Bledsoe had a rip for Belichick, too: “Turns out he has some time on his hands. At least when I got fired, somebody else wanted me.”
But Belichick didn’t take it sitting down. “It’s an honor to be at the roast of Tom Brady on Netflix tonight,” he said. “It’s not to be confused with the 10-part Bill Belichick roast during the Apple TV documentary.” Known for his “do your job” mantra, he begged Gronkowski, who now appears on Fox’s NFL broadcasts, to “please stop doing your job.”
It felt a little like a Patriots dynasty family reunion for Kraft and, he said, “like many family reunions, there are some people I’m desperately trying to avoid — Coach Belichick, good to see you. You really look debonair in sleeves.”
But the night — and the last words — belonged to Brady (or Brady’s writers):
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About those deflated balls: “The NFL spent $20 million and found that it was more ‘probable’ than not, that I was ‘generally’ aware that someone may have deflated my footballs. You could’ve just given me the 20 mil and I would’ve just told you I f---ing did it.”
On the Peyton Manning rivalry: “I know sometimes you live in Denver and sometimes you live in Louisiana. But you will always live in my shadow.”
On his interest in being part owner of the Raiders: “I’m tired of owning just the Colts and the Bills.”
On the Chiefs and Taylor Swift: “Kansas City, you say your stadium is the loudest. It helps when your fans are 14-year-old girls. … In honor of Tay Tay … let’s take a look at the Chiefs’ eras: terrible for 50 years, good for five. Shake it off.”
And to Belichick: “I’ve been out of the game for a minute, so I’m curious: How many Super Bowls have you won since I left? … When I go to the Indy 500, I don’t ask, ‘Hey, who gassed up your car?’ ”
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